Monkey On My Back

Success is addictive.

Four score and about 3 years ago, I might have needed an intervention. I was the shit- body banging, hosting parties around the country, traveling constantly, a radio show on the hottest station in the ATL, car paid for, on a record breaking reality show, on the cover of several magazines, endorsements & a boyfriend that loved me … well at least I thought he loved me. Come to find out he was cheating on me with a girl 6 years younger than me. A college dropout with no car, no job & no real ambition other than she wanted to be a “model” … in Atlanta … go figure.

I took it hard. I replaced food with alcohol and him with a 19 year old of my own. I set my eyes on retirement & fell into complacency. Anything that took any energy above average, I didn’t do. I didn’t allow myself to want anything that wasn’t guaranteed or didn’t come easily. I found a lifestyle, a relationship & a means of income that any idiot could wake up at 3pm, drunk from the night before & do. When the relationship went sour, probably mostly because of my lack of enthusiasm & concern, I happily fell into being single which is even EASIER to do. I recently woke up, amazed at how much I have failed to accomplish over these last maybe 2 years. I #BLAMECRISTAL.

I am determined to have a record year. I began 2010 by losing 15 lbs on the Master Cleanse and since changing my eating habits & getting back in shape. The morning of March 15 showed me something I really wanted. Like REALLY REALLY wanting something. Like willing to sacrifice anything to have something type-of-something.  It feels good. Even when I feel like it’s unattainable, it just feels so good to WANT to put your energy into something, to WANT to work, to actually try again… and it has affected other aspects of my life. Many of you know I’m curbing my enthusiasm for curse words & I actually get up at somewhat normal human hours now. I’ve stopped drinking so much, going out so much & running away from home. For those that DON’T know me personally, I “run away” often. I’ll go to the airport and just GO. I’ve seen a lot of the world this way but it is far from an adult way to deal with your problems and often the cause of more.

When you go thru rehab for something its often referred to as “getting the monkey off your back”, well now, I’m doing quite the opposite. I’m working on getting him BACK on. Addiction feels so good. The itch. The feeling of wanting, needing something so bad, you’ll do anything for it. I built a step ladder out of my heart & I got a pocket full of bananas. I’m going all in.

Did I mention that I love monkeys?

{Photos by D. Hathaway}


136 comments to THE MONKEY ON MY BACK

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